Catharsis

Some times, pent up emotions erupt. It may be a dramatic release yet it could well be a mere realization. I feel like a rag doll going through the motions. Walking pass empty classrooms and vast corridors. I can be in a sea of people and still feel alone. I'm scared to some extent. Silence is a scary sound.

As weird as it may be but it's these times that I think the best. I naturally would be able to think deep enough, well, at least to me that is. It is also in such times that I seem to like black and white or sepia images. Those really oxidised photographs. In fact, my Father was showing me a couple of pictures of the GrandFather I have never met yesterday. He passed me a couple of pictures taken when I was really young. I miss the times I'd spend in United Mansion (Siglap). I would get up to the crowing of my neighbour's rooster. The times I would stand next to my Father with a torch in my hand shouting at potential thieves. I can remember the time when some one's painting was stolen from her house. My GrandMother would plant cactuses in the balcony to act as scarethieves (scarecrow). Apparently cactuses look like humans standing by the balcony at night. If that wasn't a good enough deterrent, I'm sure the thorns would prove handy.

You know, pictures of World War II seem to appeal to me. Well not the gore and the deaths but rather the smiles of the soldier and the streets of warring parties. It is perturbing but images of bombed walls and rubble appeals to me. In fact, I like walls. Walls are nice. Empty canvases just there for your imagination to take hold of. Paint, shadow play, anything you'd fancy. It gives you that sense of security too. The feeling of being protected. It feels nice to watch the world behind walls. Then again, this can all change. When I'm down or flustered by what ever that is and has and is going to transpire, it is this inexplicable feeling of sadness that provides comfort to the soul. It is like a battered hobo finding shelter in a less-than-perfect wooden hut in the midst of winter.

Snap

Faces.

It is weird how there are so many people in the world - 6,697,254,041 yet a mere fraction, no a mere 'nano' fraction of which consists of you and your circle of friends. Even within that circle, you have even lesser friends whom you can truly say are friends for the lines between acquaintances and friends often blur and maintain such fluidity. It is important to maintain relationships as it withers rather easily. Long periods of lack of communication does not mean the end of friendship but it does undo the intricately and meticulously weaved ties you have between the other. In fact, this rule may well apply to every relationship a person has. Darwinian as it seems but the relationships you put the most effort in to make it survive are the ones that remain and bear fruit. Those you leave to ferment turn sour like how sweet grapes turn to sour wine.

I have been wondering, pondering, any other word in the vernacular that describes a sense of thinking, about a lot of things lately. I don't know the me that I used to know. It is scary. Frightening to come to a realization that even you know little of yourself. Wait. No, that is not true. You know so much about yourself that you find it hard to embrace certain aspects of it. You refuse to acknowledge it. That is the frightening part. You are a part of yourself but yet apart.It is like this 'pyscho-physical' apartheid. I fear for the future, it yields so much uncertainty. I know not of what is to come and I am scare for what it brings. Life is this big complex web, much like a spiders web, where everything connects and entangles. A person is a mere insect flying through that web. You might get caught up in the web and if you do and try to break free, the more you struggle, it less futile your attempts may be. Then again, it might not be true. Who are the spiders then? The architects of the web? Everyone.

How sad that my take on life is so harrowing.

?

Uncertainty makes the world a scary scary place. You don't know what to do, where to go. You might just fall into a hole. Uncertainty makes the world a scary scary place. You might soar high and touch the sky. You might not so, instead fall down below. Uncertainty makes the world a scary scary place. It's a double-edged sword.

Shut up.

There are so many people talking at the same time. So many ideas floating around. So much to do, so little will. Shut up.